Toddler 101: Poop makes good finger paint.

I keep thinking of things that strangers tell me when I'm out in public. Whenever Nate attempts to pick up something nasty, I try to intervene, saying "No, Nate. That's dirty. We don't pick up trash/gum/etc. Let mom put that where it belongs." and then I get a tissue if I have one, and put the item in the trash or he will go back for it over and over as toddlers do, as if under some spell '...muuust-piiick-uup-goooey-caandy-wraapperrrr-and-smeear-onn-faaace' and trust me, if you don't snag it on the first attempt, it becomes a game, and a full-on tantrum shall follow.

Anyway...I keep thinking about what people say when they witness these attempts to keep my child from ingesting some nastiness. How often I have heard a 'more experienced' parent say (with a chuckle) "Oh just you wait! This won't seem so bad when you start finding snails in their pockets or pet lizards under their pillows!"

I've always bitten my tongue, smiled and nodded...and thought to myself "AND?? So, wait! You mean that nasty pre-chewed piece of gum isn't really something I should worry about then? Oh Thank GOD you were here to make my life easier!! I could have avoided this stress all along. I could nudge Nate and say 'Here, sweetie, run along now and play. I think I see a pile of stale french fries by the trash can. Those look TASTY! Mom needs som 'me' time.'"

If I did respond, what would I say?

Well, now I have a perfect answer to those "You haven't seen anything yet, you novice" smirking types...and all thanks to my son, who taught me quite the lesson yesterday:

Just an ordinary day, an ordinary soiled diaper, the usual changing table, same routine...I guess my son decided we needed to 'spice up' changing time with some action. I took his pants off, he was barefoot so the usual socks-in-poop option was eliminated. What else could he do?

Oh, let me tell you...*gag* it was beyond anything I've seen the child do. Ever.

Just as I am about to slide it from beneath him, he reaches down and grabs the diaper with his right hand, and it was one of those 'squished up 'tween the cheeks' poo diapers, so his fingers sink right into the nastiness. I am holding his ankles with my left hand, and trying to wrench the diaper away from him with my right hand, while he is giggling and squirming. He finally lets go and the force launches it over onto the changing table where it lands with a lovely splat, poo side down.

*cringe*

I let go of the diaper because all I can think of his poop covered fingers haded towards his mouth. I yell "Noooo!" which startles him, causing him to grab my arm, leaving three little brown streaks across my sleeve...*gag* at least it wasn't his mouth. In that same instant, I realized he's grabbed his poop-smeared left butt cheek with his other hand and again. I yell "Nate, NO!"

So, let me just tally this up for you:

Nate's poo covered right hand- in my right hand...

Nate's ankles- in my left hand...

Nate's poo covered left hand- flailing madly... Getting the idea??

I had no other choice but to drop his nasty butt onto the changing table and reach for the other hand. I caught it, but not before he swiped it across the wall a few times, realized he was actually causing those marks to appear, then after a quick study, decides to scratch at them.

BLLAAAAARRRRGGGHHHHHHHH!

The rest of the ordeal is just a blur. I'm not really sure how he got clean, but he did. And just to be on the safe side he got a looong dip in a sudsy tub.

As for those know-it-all types, let me just say..."Really? My son thinks $hit makes good fingerpaint! I believe I'll take snails and lizards any day."