Underestimating the capabilities of the 14 month old brain.
I am embarrassed more than you know to post this...but how can I not share this shining gem of good parenting gone terribly, terribly wrong?
That's right, Ladies. All of you with your perfect little angels beware!! In the blink of an eye, a mere second, these mischievous beings can go from innocent babies to devils...seconds, I tell you.
On New Year's Eve, D (the hubs) and I are enjoying a very relaxed evening. No partying. No guests...just a pizza and a couple bottles of Mike's Hard Lemonade. So, after dinner, we are sitting around the dining room doing our own thing. D playing City of Heroes online, our son playing with his cars and trucks, while I look for inspiration within my art magazines.
The next thing I know, my child has climbed into the chair and onto the dining room table, and is standing in the center waving his arms around, grinning like he's conquered the universe. In total astonishment, I jump up to get him before falls and kills himself, but just as I get to the table (mere seconds...you thought I was joking, right?) My child, my sweet innocent 14 month old darling baby...plops down on his knees, grabs the half-empty bottle of Mike's Hard Cranberry Lemonade that my husband was to finish, throws his head back, tilts the bottle high over his head, mouth wide, and pours the booze right into his mouth!! I am leaping toward him in what is apparently the speed of a snail, yelling "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" But I am too late!! He swallows with this incredible 'GULP' and grins at me, wide eyed. Of course, what didn't fit into his mouth ran out of the sides, soaking his jammies.
And then, no lie...I hear "Ahhhhhhh"...the sigh of delight.
I wrench the bottle from his hands, and try to wipe the dripping booze off his face and chest with a wad of napkins. My husband, who has missed the entire event, absorbed in the world of online superheroes, finally realizes what has happened and says, "Holy crap, son! You gonna do a table dance for us while you're at it?" My son, who is standing again, fighting the napkins in my hands, flashes a grin at his dad, stomps his little feet, shakes his teeny butt and shouts "Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!" O...M...G.
*thanks her lucky stars there are no witnesses to this horror*
While I'm envisioning a future on the set of Jerry Springer, I hand the kid off to D and tell him to get the child some fresh jammies. My husband, annoyed, actually says to me... "They're not that bad."
*looks at husband in total bewilderment*
Me: "Are you freakin' kidding me? He is SOAKED in BOOZE!!! I am just imagining if something happened, someone finding my toddler 'passed out' in his crib, covered in alcohol. Are you getting the whole picture here?"
So..as a warning to all you moms who are comfortable in your houses, with harmful things safely out of your little angels' reach...DO NOT BE FOOLED!!! Take a lesson from the my life, which shall be referred to as the Idiot Mom's Guide to Parenthood, because just when you least suspect, baby-proofing takes on a whole new meaning.
Happy New Year...
That's right, Ladies. All of you with your perfect little angels beware!! In the blink of an eye, a mere second, these mischievous beings can go from innocent babies to devils...seconds, I tell you.
On New Year's Eve, D (the hubs) and I are enjoying a very relaxed evening. No partying. No guests...just a pizza and a couple bottles of Mike's Hard Lemonade. So, after dinner, we are sitting around the dining room doing our own thing. D playing City of Heroes online, our son playing with his cars and trucks, while I look for inspiration within my art magazines.
The next thing I know, my child has climbed into the chair and onto the dining room table, and is standing in the center waving his arms around, grinning like he's conquered the universe. In total astonishment, I jump up to get him before falls and kills himself, but just as I get to the table (mere seconds...you thought I was joking, right?) My child, my sweet innocent 14 month old darling baby...plops down on his knees, grabs the half-empty bottle of Mike's Hard Cranberry Lemonade that my husband was to finish, throws his head back, tilts the bottle high over his head, mouth wide, and pours the booze right into his mouth!! I am leaping toward him in what is apparently the speed of a snail, yelling "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" But I am too late!! He swallows with this incredible 'GULP' and grins at me, wide eyed. Of course, what didn't fit into his mouth ran out of the sides, soaking his jammies.
And then, no lie...I hear "Ahhhhhhh"...the sigh of delight.
I wrench the bottle from his hands, and try to wipe the dripping booze off his face and chest with a wad of napkins. My husband, who has missed the entire event, absorbed in the world of online superheroes, finally realizes what has happened and says, "Holy crap, son! You gonna do a table dance for us while you're at it?" My son, who is standing again, fighting the napkins in my hands, flashes a grin at his dad, stomps his little feet, shakes his teeny butt and shouts "Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!" O...M...G.
*thanks her lucky stars there are no witnesses to this horror*
While I'm envisioning a future on the set of Jerry Springer, I hand the kid off to D and tell him to get the child some fresh jammies. My husband, annoyed, actually says to me... "They're not that bad."
*looks at husband in total bewilderment*
Me: "Are you freakin' kidding me? He is SOAKED in BOOZE!!! I am just imagining if something happened, someone finding my toddler 'passed out' in his crib, covered in alcohol. Are you getting the whole picture here?"
So..as a warning to all you moms who are comfortable in your houses, with harmful things safely out of your little angels' reach...DO NOT BE FOOLED!!! Take a lesson from the my life, which shall be referred to as the Idiot Mom's Guide to Parenthood, because just when you least suspect, baby-proofing takes on a whole new meaning.
Happy New Year...
posted by Mo at 9:21 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home