Thank You Burt.

Thank you for making your products all-natural and non-toxic.

I love Burt's Bees products. For one thing, they smell so lovely. But mostly I love them because they are non-toxic. And do you you know why non-toxic is important to me? Yes, yes...it's healthier for you, better for the environment, yada yada yada...those are all great reasons. I however, love Burt's products because I am an idiot mom.

I was clearing the clutter from the bathroom counter this morning and I grinned as I picked up the tiny tube of Burt's Bee's toothpaste and put it away in the cabinet. Nate is getting really good at brushing his own teeth and it brought a little smile to my face as I thought of him sitting there on the edge of the sink, watching himself brush-brush-brush in the mirror. His toothbrush was lying on the counter, and I noticed some dried toothpaste on it and rinsed it, but it wouldn't come off. (hmmm...that Burt's Bee's gets weird when it dries...)I figured I hadn't been paying attention last night. No big deal...except the dried stuff didn't want to come off...just moved around in a stringy mess. Ugh!

I finally grabbed at the string of dried paste and wiped it off of my fingers, put the toothbrush away and noticed the tiny trial tube of Burt's toothpaste on the edge of the backsplash and smiled....until I realized I'd just put away the toothpaste...the other tube of toothpaste...puzzled, I thought for a moment 'but I only have one tube of...Oh Sweet Mother of.'

I had just put away the diaper ointment. I brushed...my child's teeth...with diaper ointment!

OK...calmly...think this through, Mo. You know he's alive because he is, after all, playing in the playroom. That's a good sign. He slept ok...so it didn't make him sick. That's another good sign.

...brushed his teeth with butt paste...are you a complete moron, Mo?

He's eating fine, doesn't seem to be in any pain...and he's smiling. Those are all good signs. (Meanwhile, I was peering at my child from the doorway of the playroom, with a pale and panicked look on my face I'm sure...trying to assess his state of health post butt-cream-poisoning). Nate was happily building new railroad for his trains and cars...a very good sign.**

...brushed his teeth with butt paste.

I returned the the bathroom in a haste and checked the ingredients on the tube: Zinc oxide, sweet almond oil, beeswax, tocopheryl acetate & tocopherol (vitamin E), jojoba oil, lavandin oil, retinyl palmitate (vitamin A), extracts of rosemary, lavender, calendula, chamomile, rosebuds and comfrey root. OK...whew! Burt's Bees is all natural and non-toxic...I think...I hope. Well, technically the diaper ointment is 94.something % natural, but still nontoxic, so I think we're ok. After all it's not like he ate a bunch of it...

(I thought for a moment, trying to remember if he gagged or spit after the toothbrush touched his mouth...nope) In fact, he brushed his own teeth last night, willingly, and if my memory serves well, I heard him say "Mmmmmmmm" after the first brush. He did wrinkle his nose for a second, but that's typical as he's not the most coordinated brusher...and he ended up with streaks of what I then thought was toothpaste on his face...something I'd never seen before. And he didn't brush quite as long...so I finished the job for him.

*sigh* ...finished. brushing. his teeth. with butt paste.

So, Thank you, Burt. Thank you for making it impossible for me to harm my child with your wonderful products...even when they are paired with my own stupidity. But can you please make your product's containers a little more distinguishable? The diaper ointment and toothpaste tubes are nearly identical (except for one being marked 'Toothpaste' and the other 'Diaper Ointment') and I am temporarily without my glasses.

I guess I should be even more thankful we have no hemmorhoid cream in the house. Especially if it came in little honeycomb colored trial-sized tubes.

My what large buoys you have, Mom.

I was trying to rock my child to sleep at bedtime last night and he looks up at me and grins, and points at my nose and says 'nose'...I said "Yes, that's Mom's nose." He then points at my eyes...cheeks...chin...eyebrows...ears...and my chest. Then he points at my boob. I say "breast" and he gives me this weird look. So I said "that's Mom's boobie."

I thought my kid was going to choke he laughed so hard. Is this the real reason boys giggle when they hear the word 'boobies'? Not because it's a forbidden part of our anatomy, but simply because it's a funny word?

He pointed again, and again, and again, and again...wanting me to say boobie, and each time laughing harder and harder until no noise was coming from him but some strange clicking where a laugh should have been..and lots of drool.

So I say "OK...enough boobies. It's time for sleep." To which he responds with another poke at my boob. I say nothing. He giggles and pokes me again...and again...and again...then poke-poke-poke-poke-poke-poke-poke-poke-poke-poke-poke-poke-poke-poke....I grab his hand and say "Son....WHAT are you doing?"

He points at my boob and says "Boo-weeeeeeee!"

Did my kid just call my boob a BUOY?

I guess he's not entirely wrong...they do make excellent flotation devices.